Mothers, do you long for those bygone days when all parenting required of you was to change some diapers and put some food in your baby? Did your kid grow up to be a back-talking American? Perhaps it’s your fault. In fact, perhaps you’re ruining their life. Not to worry. There is hope. You can learn the art of mind control in L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics. Okay, that mind control part is not EXACTLY what this ad says, but the rest is a pretty direct translation, so what else could the people who say Xenu is locked in an electronic mountain fortress be offering your mamá by advertising in La Opinion?

A Canary Island-bound plane taking off in Madrid broke apart today as it attempted to lift off the runway:

The Spanair plane crashed and broke apart after failing to lift off from runway No 6 at the Barajas airport at 2.23pm local time en route for Las Palmas airport on Gran Canaria.

We know some of you might be in possession of these mysterious things called “breasts” or, alternately “titties.” And, sometimes, these big bags full of secrets make wearing a seat belt uncomfortable. Luckily for the boobèd among you, there’s the “Tiddy Bear.” The Tiddy Bear is a plush toy designed to slide along your seat belt strap to gently motorboat you with its widdle bitty nose. This helpful infomercial will tell you all you need to know about the Tiddy Bear, including that it’s only worn by people who have the unfortunate disability of not being able to cease smiling while talking.

Our hermanisimo, Machochip, is all about David Beckham and so omg super excited over the news that Golden Balls ® is getting his own musical. The show, entitled David Beckham – The Theatre of Dreams will premiere in London’s West End and will play on the idea that Beckham is worshipped like a deity and transforms sold out nearly empty stadiums in Los Angeles into places of worship. Blasphabulous!

Here’s a sampling of the musical’s lyrics, since you care so much:

A change has come around, As I worship this ground, With you in my life, We’re turning the world upside down.

Guess who it’s about? Wrong! Not Victoria. It’s what David sings to himself while shaving. With a diamond. Atop his shiny, platinum bidet.

Bulges Over Broadway? David Beckham: The Musical In The Works [Machochip]The Theatre

LeRoi Moore, the 46 year-old saxophone virtuoso and founding member of the Dave Matthews Band, died at a hospital in Los Angeles yesterday due to complications from an ATV accident that occurred on his farm in Virginia earlier this summer. How many rock stars will ATV’s take out before they are up there with heroin? Seriously, those things do nothing but hurt people.

On June 30, Moore crashed his ATV on his farm outside Charlottesville, Va., but was discharged and returned to his Los Angeles home to begin physical therapy. Complications forced him back to the hospital on July 17, the band said.

• Here’s Suri Cruise talking to a baby doll and OMG CAN WE HAVE HER???? [dlisted]
• Christina Aguilera’s new perfume ad was Photoshopped by blind unicorns on acid. [ONTD]
• Donnie Wahlberg is divorcing his wife of 9 years. This is almost as exciting as hearing that Mark Wahlberg is single. [BBC]
• Did Paris Hilton get implants? On her chest. Not, like. Fins attached to the backs of her legs. Although how awesome would that be? [A Socialite’s Life]
• The Beijing Olympics are trying to drum up interest in table tennis by encouraging female players to “sex up” their uniforms. It’s only a matter of time before the game is played without paddles… [Yahoo]

Here’s a weird story: There’s a wild dolphin near the coast of Adelaide, Australia that has figured out, by itself, how to walk upright on water and is teaching the other dolphins to do the same.

One of them spent a short time after illness in a dolphinarium 20 years ago and may have picked up the trick there.

Scientists studying the group say tail-walk tuition has not been seen before, and suggest the habit may emerge as a form of “culture” among this group.

Though scientists studying the beasts admit they “can’t for the life of us work out why they do it,” anyone who’s read The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy knows this is further proof that the end of the world is nigh. For the uninitiated, the book (supposedly fiction, ha!) explains that dolphins are actually more intelligent than humans and have known for some time of earth’s impending destruction. Unfortunately, we’ve been misinterpreting their signals as a desire to punch a ball with their nose. So, they’ve given up on us and are leaving the planet on their own. This tail standing thing is obviously the early stages of their preparation. Video dramatization is after the jump.

Our lovely commenter Stephanie, who only practices good magic like wriggling her nose to conjure up a dish of coconut flan, informed us that the name of Camila Alves’ (Matthew McConaughey’s girlfriend and bongo playing partner) line of bags takes its name from Brazilian black magic voodoo hoop-dee-doo. “Muxo” is “Oxum” backwards. Oxum is apparently the name of an African river goddess. Stephanie The Good informs us that this goddess isassociated with Macumba which, in Camila’s native Brazil, means “black magic.” Basically, Camila is an emissary of Satan who leaps naked under a full moon, screaming in tongues and planting placenta trees. Some more about Macumba:

As we reported on Sunday, the guys from Georgia (USA) who claimed to have the frozen corpse of Bigfoot in their beer cooler failed to produce any convincing evidence at their press conference in Palo Alto on Saturday. But this sad monster tale doesn’t end there. The man who sponsored the press conference SearchingforBigfoot.com owner Tom Biscardi, was bamboozled, too. Apparently he paid an “undisclosed sum” to Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer the two Georgia men who claimed to have possession of the body. Being nobody’s fool, (except Whitton and Dyer’s), Biscardi was smart enough to hire a private dick to check things out. Turns out the photograph made famous last week was nothing but a rubber suit. LAME. And Whitton and Dyer have disappeared with Biscardi’s money. Shit fire! But baby Jesus has smiled on the rest of us monster fans and sent Brooklyn a two-headed turtle. And the heads fight over food! And it’s been stolen! Aaaaah! After the jump!

While many young men dream of cars and ladies or Michael Phelps standing over their beds wearing nothing but his gold medals, twenty-four-year-old Angel Pantoja Medina of Puerto Rico had a different dream: To stand upright at his wake when he died. Dream a lil’ dream, Angelito! And, thanks to a special embalming treatment and an untimely death, his wack-ass dream came true! Aw, happy endings:

Dressed in a Yankees baseball cap and sunglasses, Pantoja was mourned by relatives while propped upright in his mother’s living room.